he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
