Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
