And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You are the jesus of drinking
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
