Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
