you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
