Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
