I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
