when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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