thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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