You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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