Who did Billy Mays play for?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
