Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
