rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
