I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
