I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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