I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
