i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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