I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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