There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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