Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
