His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
your like the ambassador to my penis.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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