I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
