Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize