did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
