she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
