well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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