Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
