I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
