So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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