I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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