I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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