Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
