is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
