the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have aggressive nipples.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
