Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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