I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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