Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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