just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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