after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
