And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
