my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
