Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she peed on how many people?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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