it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Enjoy the penises
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
