oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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