plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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