Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
