i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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