I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
