Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
