last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
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Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.