if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
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I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
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Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS