do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
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We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The power of my boobs compel you
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"