I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
