Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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