You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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