This girl is more easily done than said...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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