THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
