he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
