apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
