I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
