if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
